Normally I wait until June to finalize my New Year’s resolutions because that gives me plenty of time to determine the areas where I need improvement and only six months to work on them. They’re usually the same areas where I’ve needed improvement for the past three decades.
This year, however, I’m doing something different. Instead of concocting a bunch of resolutions for myself, I decided to concoct a bunch of resolutions for someone else.
I thought Barack Obama and John Boehner could use my help, but they have enough advisers already. Then, I considered Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga, but they’re beyond help. My wife and daughters and the dog don’t listen to me, so that left only one obvious candidate — Taylor Swift.
You’ve heard of her. She wrote that song about the little black dress, or maybe it was the little red dress, and Tim McGraw, or maybe it was Charlie Sheen. Anyway, at 23, she’s won more than 130 music awards, sold millions of albums, has an estimated net worth of $80 million and a Wikipedia entry that’s 48 pages long — six pages longer than Abraham Lincoln’s.
And some experts predict she could grab the Guinness Book of World Records for the most breakups ever for a young woman — 13 guys in four years, as of deadline. But those bad romances ended up becoming hit songs, which means to say they were profitable in the end.
After reading about her dating problems, I figured she could benefit from some fatherly advice from a guy with four daughters who dated their share of losers.
Now, I’m begging all you Taylor Swift fans — because you have more members than the Republican Party — do not email me. I’m just doing a good deed. I like Taylor Swift. In fact, I think I have one of her albums. Here goes. Unsolicited New Year’s resolutions for Taylor Swift:
1. Now that the housing market is showing signs of life, sell the mansion you bought in Hyannis next door to the Kennedy teenager you used to date. Sell it to Ice-T and Coco. They will bring some class to that neighborhood, and Coco can parade around the beach in her string bikinis.
2. Stop whining about love in your songs. You’re too young to be a whiner, and you’re too old to a whiner.
3. Have your mother pick your next boyfriend. I always tried to do that for my daughters, and even though it never worked, it made me feel like I was fulfilling my role as a parent. Plus, it taught me how to use those online dating services.
4. Instead of writing all your own songs, use some material from Cole Porter or Led Zeppelin.
5. Stop writing about those losers you dated. Write about something exciting like Obamacare or the fiscal cliff.
6. Say your prayers at night and in the morning, and even though you’re looking for true love, pray for someone besides yourself because those prayers are always answered.
7. You have a lot to be thankful for, so cultivate an attitude of gratitude.
8. Stay away from those creepy celebrities in Hollywood.
9. Have a great New Year. Savor the moment. Time passes too fast, especially when you’re a super star, so have a backup career ready, possibly in real estate or online dating.
Joe Pisani can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.